When alone

you think a lot more when you are alone. you think more about things that you don't normally. You find yourself going back to those last moments that you had. Not so much the years and weeks leading up to the last moments but just the last moments themselves. HUG-'bye' 'bye' 'i love you' 'i love you too' MUAH get in the car and drive away. I think about my mom everyday and i miss her more with each day that passes. you always look back at that time and go man it wasn't right, why didn't i see then that it wasn't right? why didn't i realize her not saying 'call me when you get there so i know that you made it ok' was out of place? of course now i know that she wouldn't have had the phone at hand if i had called. it would have been tucked away in her purse which rested on the front passenger seat across the alley from the house. she wouldn't have answered and i would have just figured she was sleeping. looking back on the weekend leading up to that monday night, it's all so clear now, the letter, the refusal of unpacking, the one last see everyone.... you ignore the signs because you want to believe she was telling the truth when she sat across from you on her bedroom floor, grabbed your hands and made you look her in her eyes when she told she 'its over, you don't have to worry about me. i'm done with all of that, i realize now i have too much to live for.' appparently thinking is not a choice and thinking can be a bitch.