russian

so you say that you will have a 28 year old russian woman coming to stay with you for awhile? WOW!!!! wtf are you thinking? at what point did you think this was going to be a good idea? or that everyone would be okay with it? mom hasn't even been laid to rest completely and already you are going to have someone shacked up on her side of the bed? are you serious? i'm sure she will sit in mom's chair, eat from mom's seat at the table, swing on mom's swing, bathe in mom's tub and will she drive mom's car? obviously i am not okay with this. do i have anything against the girl personally? no but that doesn't change the fact of what she will represent while she is here "mom's replacement" i hope you wake up one day and realize that mom can never be replaced. you will not find happiness in this. she doesn't know who you really are, what you've done. i do not care to meet her. when we let mom fly, i can't guarantee that you will be there for it. she is not welcome to be there for it. do not call yourself a widower, you are not this. you are the ex to my deceased mother. i still welcome you in my life but shit can only go on for so long. this pushes the knife in deeper. this is so embarrassing. if you wish to call yourself a widower, as you so have done, then how can you so easily already have someone in mind to hold? it makes me sick. does she know the truth? the countless fights, the abuse, what really happened to mom, where it happened, why it happened? will she know that on that right side of the bed where she will lay is the same spot that mom laid for seventeen years or that that is the spot that we found her in her wedding dress full of pills and alcohol and meds trying to kill herself? i don't like it. i don't like it one bit. it's bull shit. it's horrible. it will never be accepted.

DNR

I hate being alone, just in general. It makes me start thinking about things, things that i don't want to remember or just want to think about at that time. Tonight i got off work, went and worked out, came home, cooked some yum yum and watched some t.v. On my way home, and this may be what brought me to thinking about it again, this chic was on the radio tellin "her story" about how she's only 23, a mother of a young child, and gettin divorced. Her mother rejected her when she asked to come back and live with her for a year and she decided that she wanted to kill herself. she tucked her baby in bed and sat in the living room holdin the gun to her head. she then goes on to talk about how it was a "miracle" that when she pulled the trigger nothing happened. It's no "miracle", it's your dumb ass incapability to not know to check if the gun was loaded to begin with. but anyways, so that happened in the car. I get home and am watching HOUSE and the son of a patient starts yelling at the doctor to just let the body, that he once recognized as his father, die. Don't try to bring him back the next time he slips away. ZOOM life takes a 180, i'm back in the ICU waiting room on the night/morning of November3/4. The doctor is talking to me about our "options" about how there pretty much aren't any. Tommy and Dina are somewhere, i don't know where. The doctor looks at me and says "You're the daughter? well, if you say it, it's good enough for me." My throat tightens, my eyes strain, my chest is ready to explode. I sit there for a moment, not wanting to have to be the one to say it but being the only one there that was allowed to say it and it mean anything. 'I know we've already talked about this' DAMN IT MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "well, my brother and aunt and grandma have decided that this is best." the doctor looks at me "And you? what do you want?" .............................................................What do I want??????????? is she really asking me this????? I want to punch you in your fucking face for saying it in a way that in any other situation would've given me more than one option and treating this just the same.......................................... "Yeah, (i look away, fighting back the tears) put the DNR for her".................The doctor leaves, Sarah, the social worker, tells me i did the right thing.........Another person I would like to punch in the face........she leaves........ My face is in my hands, a place it has become very familiar with within the past few hours. Really? me? I did it? I made the call. I made the call.

i made a call for something that when the actual time came, i wasn't even in the next room, or on the same floor. we're outside talking, decide ok, let's go back in, walkin in the hall curtis says " i swear guys i just the message"........."her heart stopped"....... it took everything in me not find the closest stair case to run to the icu. me and tommy walk thru the doors and approach her room. dina meets us at the door. we grab on to each other and she's saying she's sorry. we're sorry. just holding on to each other, crying. the last thing i really remember from standing in the spot is the chaplain coming and talking to us................................it shouldn't, but it does.........it eats at me, i made the call.

glory

it feels so good to get up in the morning and remember that all i have to please today is myself. i've decided that i don't care what people think of me. if i was worried about offending others i would stay home all day everyday. as long as im truthful to myself than there's nothing to hide. to lie you must first lie to yourself. i'm done lying to myself. i can only be me and all i want to be is me. HERE I AM!!! There isn't anything in my past that i would take back or change. every mistake i've made, well they made me. you don't like me? i don't give a fuck. my name is lanee' nicole fucking brown. i had a child out of wed lock in my teenage years. i broke up with my ex while he was in iraq. i fell for my brother's room mate. i'm not taking shit from anyone anymore. i have nothing to hide. i love who i love and leave who i leave because that's what life has given me.

p.s. i love you

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

so i'm layin in bed watchin p.s. i love you, alone. i know, it's not a movie to be watched alone, not if you don't have to. as the movie progressed and there were more and more things to make you want to cry, it never brought me to that point. not until the one scene where hilary gets up out of the booth at the restaurant and runs to her mom's bar. she runs in and starts crying and saying all these things about her deceased husband. this bein a moment when, any other time in my life before would have me huggin a pillow ballin, it did nothing for me from that aspect. it was in the moment that she flung open the door and hollered for her mom and there she was to hold her that i couldn't take it anymore. I'm never gonna have that again. in any and all of my lifes problems i can't run to her for her to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. no more wiping the tears from my cheeks and brushing the hair from my face. no more out of the blue text messages that say "i love you baby girl" i find myself more and more times throughout the day stopping and asking myself, "is she really gone?.......is she?......she is.....what?.....why?.....why?.......why????? i miss her so much. the realization that she isn't just on some trip, she isn't coming back, there isn't anything to change it hurts more than ever before. i thought the anger had faded or eased or something, but it hasn't. it seems like it is growing ever so much more. with every thought of what i'll never get to experience with her here by my side strengthens that anger. do i want to be angry? no. but you don't always get what you want. my mom will not be there for my son as he grows up. he will no longer hear her call out for him "pumpkin doodle" or get to climb up in bed with her to lay down and watch t.v. just to have it interrupted in only moments by the tickle monster. any future children i have will never know her. anytime something happens in my life and i anxiously pick up the phone to tell those closest to me, the first person i want to tell isn't here for me to tell. a daughter is suppose to have her mother there when she has children, on her weddin day, when her children has children, when she has heartache. a grave is not the place i'm suppose to go to be with my mother, not yet. i shouldn't be sittin here in this chair feeling the way i am feeling. how could she do this? how could she leave us? why weren't we enough? we should have been enough. we should have been enough. WE SHOULD BE ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you sat with me in your bedroom floor, at the house, and grabbed my hands. you made me look you in the face while you lied to me and told me that you were done with all of that. that you realized you had too much to live for. that we are too important to be without. so what happened? i spent that last weekend with you. everything seemed good. sure you seemed lonely but that was to be expected. i told chance one day that weekend that i felt you were havin a hard time and needed us there. i guess i was right, but i guess it wasn't enough. it all seems so sureal. i mean damn, i was just with you. we were just there. not even an hour and a half after i left were you over at the house. how long was it planned for? how could you watch james runnin around after you smilin and laughin and hearin him call out for you and always want to be in your arms and just be everywhere you were, how could you be there for all of that and not want to be there for it? dammit mom, dammit. what the fuck?

1 comments:

Tommy Brown said...

It's too soon to give up hope that one day we will be okay. I haven't felt to angry. Not in general. There have been a couple of times when the grief hits and I react in anger. Only now do I think I'm as angry as you have been. I told her in the hospital after the "wedding dress" incident. I straight told her that I needed her. I need you here. My only goals are to raise a family under better circumsatnces than those in which I grew. Mom, I need you here for my children. For myself. We'd only just begun really learning from each other. She and I had only just begun to discuss the really difficult aspects of our past. We had only just become omfortable sharing dark sides of ourselves which most Mother/child never share. Lanee, we can't make the same mistakes as Mom. We can not be too dependent. Her 17 years steeped in dependency on Barry, on drugs, on alcohol is the cause. We must love and respect ourselves so that we can be strong and independent for our children and each other. I believe everything she said was true. I believe the things going on in her heart and mind were so complex. I feel like it was a Dr Jeckyl Mr Hyde situation. I believe there was hope and love and we were enough during the day... sober. Then at night, totally alone for the first time in your life (I mean this was the first time in 40 years mom lived alone.) drinking and thinking... an idle mind is the devil's play ground. If there was planning it was only serious at night, intoxicated. During the day I think there was hope and effort to stifle suicidal tendencies. . .
Were we enough? No. Lanee' we were never enough. I feel like we were never her life support. not ever. If we were enough (ever) she would have left Barry years ago. She wouldn't have become a hardcore drug user (ever). If we were enough we would have always been a support for her quality of life.
She loved us both the way only a mother can love her children. There was never a problem with her love for us. She was a great Mother. The problem was that she wasn't enough. She wasn't enough for herself. The sad fact of life is that if you aren't ENOUGH for yourself... nothing else will suffice.
I'll be there for you. I'll be there for you at your wedding, children, everything.
I love you baby girl. We gotta be enough for ourselves.