Wednesday, January 14, 2009
so i'm layin in bed watchin p.s. i love you, alone. i know, it's not a movie to be watched alone, not if you don't have to. as the movie progressed and there were more and more things to make you want to cry, it never brought me to that point. not until the one scene where hilary gets up out of the booth at the restaurant and runs to her mom's bar. she runs in and starts crying and saying all these things about her deceased husband. this bein a moment when, any other time in my life before would have me huggin a pillow ballin, it did nothing for me from that aspect. it was in the moment that she flung open the door and hollered for her mom and there she was to hold her that i couldn't take it anymore. I'm never gonna have that again. in any and all of my lifes problems i can't run to her for her to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. no more wiping the tears from my cheeks and brushing the hair from my face. no more out of the blue text messages that say "i love you baby girl" i find myself more and more times throughout the day stopping and asking myself, "is she really gone?.......is she?......she is.....what?.....why?.....why?.......why????? i miss her so much. the realization that she isn't just on some trip, she isn't coming back, there isn't anything to change it hurts more than ever before. i thought the anger had faded or eased or something, but it hasn't. it seems like it is growing ever so much more. with every thought of what i'll never get to experience with her here by my side strengthens that anger. do i want to be angry? no. but you don't always get what you want. my mom will not be there for my son as he grows up. he will no longer hear her call out for him "pumpkin doodle" or get to climb up in bed with her to lay down and watch t.v. just to have it interrupted in only moments by the tickle monster. any future children i have will never know her. anytime something happens in my life and i anxiously pick up the phone to tell those closest to me, the first person i want to tell isn't here for me to tell. a daughter is suppose to have her mother there when she has children, on her weddin day, when her children has children, when she has heartache. a grave is not the place i'm suppose to go to be with my mother, not yet. i shouldn't be sittin here in this chair feeling the way i am feeling. how could she do this? how could she leave us? why weren't we enough? we should have been enough. we should have been enough. WE SHOULD BE ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you sat with me in your bedroom floor, at the house, and grabbed my hands. you made me look you in the face while you lied to me and told me that you were done with all of that. that you realized you had too much to live for. that we are too important to be without. so what happened? i spent that last weekend with you. everything seemed good. sure you seemed lonely but that was to be expected. i told chance one day that weekend that i felt you were havin a hard time and needed us there. i guess i was right, but i guess it wasn't enough. it all seems so sureal. i mean damn, i was just with you. we were just there. not even an hour and a half after i left were you over at the house. how long was it planned for? how could you watch james runnin around after you smilin and laughin and hearin him call out for you and always want to be in your arms and just be everywhere you were, how could you be there for all of that and not want to be there for it? dammit mom, dammit. what the fuck?
It's too soon to give up hope that one day we will be okay. I haven't felt to angry. Not in general. There have been a couple of times when the grief hits and I react in anger. Only now do I think I'm as angry as you have been. I told her in the hospital after the "wedding dress" incident. I straight told her that I needed her. I need you here. My only goals are to raise a family under better circumsatnces than those in which I grew. Mom, I need you here for my children. For myself. We'd only just begun really learning from each other. She and I had only just begun to discuss the really difficult aspects of our past. We had only just become omfortable sharing dark sides of ourselves which most Mother/child never share. Lanee, we can't make the same mistakes as Mom. We can not be too dependent. Her 17 years steeped in dependency on Barry, on drugs, on alcohol is the cause. We must love and respect ourselves so that we can be strong and independent for our children and each other. I believe everything she said was true. I believe the things going on in her heart and mind were so complex. I feel like it was a Dr Jeckyl Mr Hyde situation. I believe there was hope and love and we were enough during the day... sober. Then at night, totally alone for the first time in your life (I mean this was the first time in 40 years mom lived alone.) drinking and thinking... an idle mind is the devil's play ground. If there was planning it was only serious at night, intoxicated. During the day I think there was hope and effort to stifle suicidal tendencies. . .
Were we enough? No. Lanee' we were never enough. I feel like we were never her life support. not ever. If we were enough (ever) she would have left Barry years ago. She wouldn't have become a hardcore drug user (ever). If we were enough we would have always been a support for her quality of life.
She loved us both the way only a mother can love her children. There was never a problem with her love for us. She was a great Mother. The problem was that she wasn't enough. She wasn't enough for herself. The sad fact of life is that if you aren't ENOUGH for yourself... nothing else will suffice.
I'll be there for you. I'll be there for you at your wedding, children, everything.
I love you baby girl. We gotta be enough for ourselves.