DNR

I hate being alone, just in general. It makes me start thinking about things, things that i don't want to remember or just want to think about at that time. Tonight i got off work, went and worked out, came home, cooked some yum yum and watched some t.v. On my way home, and this may be what brought me to thinking about it again, this chic was on the radio tellin "her story" about how she's only 23, a mother of a young child, and gettin divorced. Her mother rejected her when she asked to come back and live with her for a year and she decided that she wanted to kill herself. she tucked her baby in bed and sat in the living room holdin the gun to her head. she then goes on to talk about how it was a "miracle" that when she pulled the trigger nothing happened. It's no "miracle", it's your dumb ass incapability to not know to check if the gun was loaded to begin with. but anyways, so that happened in the car. I get home and am watching HOUSE and the son of a patient starts yelling at the doctor to just let the body, that he once recognized as his father, die. Don't try to bring him back the next time he slips away. ZOOM life takes a 180, i'm back in the ICU waiting room on the night/morning of November3/4. The doctor is talking to me about our "options" about how there pretty much aren't any. Tommy and Dina are somewhere, i don't know where. The doctor looks at me and says "You're the daughter? well, if you say it, it's good enough for me." My throat tightens, my eyes strain, my chest is ready to explode. I sit there for a moment, not wanting to have to be the one to say it but being the only one there that was allowed to say it and it mean anything. 'I know we've already talked about this' DAMN IT MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "well, my brother and aunt and grandma have decided that this is best." the doctor looks at me "And you? what do you want?" .............................................................What do I want??????????? is she really asking me this????? I want to punch you in your fucking face for saying it in a way that in any other situation would've given me more than one option and treating this just the same.......................................... "Yeah, (i look away, fighting back the tears) put the DNR for her".................The doctor leaves, Sarah, the social worker, tells me i did the right thing.........Another person I would like to punch in the face........she leaves........ My face is in my hands, a place it has become very familiar with within the past few hours. Really? me? I did it? I made the call. I made the call.

i made a call for something that when the actual time came, i wasn't even in the next room, or on the same floor. we're outside talking, decide ok, let's go back in, walkin in the hall curtis says " i swear guys i just the message"........."her heart stopped"....... it took everything in me not find the closest stair case to run to the icu. me and tommy walk thru the doors and approach her room. dina meets us at the door. we grab on to each other and she's saying she's sorry. we're sorry. just holding on to each other, crying. the last thing i really remember from standing in the spot is the chaplain coming and talking to us................................it shouldn't, but it does.........it eats at me, i made the call.